sometimes i would rather be in school.

there are so many good aspects of my life right now. Im learning so many new things, im reconnecting with so many important friends, i get to watch my niece and nephew grow up on a daily basis... im doing something so so great for myself ( which may not seem like it now, but in the long run definitely).... i could go on and on about all of the things i am thankful for.. but there's just something.

somethings not right, maybe its the fact that i spend all of my time studying and i feel like im missing out on living.. or possibly the fact that although i do appreciate living at home right now tremendously, i dont love it. Its not because its not a great location or space.. it just doesn't feel like home for me. I want to have my own little spot again where i can make it my own and have my quiet time to myself without having to explain what im doing and where im going every time i leave.

Maybe its just my hormones. There are a few new things going on in my body i just found out about that could definitely be effecting me.

Im not quite sure yet.. all i know is that if there was one thing i could do right now it would be ice skating in new york while it snows at night time. Or to walk down the streets of Seattle downtown while its windy and snowing so much and so cold that it hurts.

or love?- ugh ew!

im so boring!

Two more days and im out of my first semester of nursing school . I cant believe it flew by so fast. I have learned so much in these last three months its nuts. I love it, i cant wait until i can be hands on daily with people.

Summer has been good. I have been hanging out and doing as much as i can with friends outside of school. I went and saw Black eyed peas at the fair and it was amazing!!! so much fun! on the down side i came home today (and im in FINALS right now keep in mind til Thursday), and i got a really bad headache , laid, down, and had the chills like every 3 minuts for a good 3 hours. So im hoping im not getting terribly ill. I need to be feeling good for the next couple of days especially Thursday for my skills final.

ps im so boring!

bla bla bla NURSING SCHOOL

i decided im doing things for me now. From here on out i HAVE to do the right things for myself to make it through this next year at least! This week was rough, two exams, two quizes, catheter demo and gi tubes. I now just need to get through two more long days of clinic and then its the weekend!! cant wait! Today was my first good day in a long time. I finally woke up today and felt like i didnt care. I know that might sound really bad... but theres something to it. A big part of nursing school is the stress and anxiety that comes along with it.. and each day i wake up with so much anxiety about what im going to be demonstrating.. or learning... or giving a speech, or having meetings with my instructors and it just creates so many more problems then needed. So for me to go into the day with a positive care free attitude ready to learn and conquer felt so good. Everything just went smooth. Im hoping for more days like this!

On a better note, i GOT OUT TONIGHT! i went to the SM fair with some ladies and saw Boyz 2 Men. ummm amazzzing!!! It felt so get to get out of the house i started feeling terribly isolated.

ps sorry if i talk about nursing school so much but its just all i know anymore these days... im single, no kids, no social life... just nursing school.

exciting day

Ive been in clinic for eight weeks now and up until today i sort of was.... well .... a little bored! I mean its a lot of work , don't get me wrong... they overload you as it is... but i wanted excitement and boy did i get it today! My mornings start at 6am and im on the floor by six fifteen. This morning started out with my first deceased body viewing! Im a little weird i guess you could say considering all i wanted to do was assess the whole thing from top to bottom! I couldn't though because the family was going to come in for a last goodbye. Weve already been trained in post mortem care in school, but i wasn't sure exactly how i was going to react to the actual real experience. I knew it wouldn't gross me out, cause there's really only a few things that gross me out..but there's always that weird lingering fear and unknown of death that made me a little hesitant. Turns out i was fine! It just felt normal. Like a natural part of life. It was sort of funny because there were a couple girls in clinic that were freaking out about it and didn't even want to go in! I honestly saw it, assessed it and forgot about it like ten minutes later and went on with my day!

So at about eight o clock one of my patients was eating breakfast and started seizing. So we quickly gave her a shot and waited to see if it eased up... well it did a little bit, but fifteen minutes later she started getting worse. Unfortunately, the nurse on staff wasn't really paying much attention to it, maybe because i was her student nurse and she knew i would be in there? i dont know.. im just trying not to make her look bad. haha. I finally decided to go and get my instructor because it just wasn't sitting right with me. After having my instructor assess the situation she decided that it needed to be taken to the next level of care. After that things got a little bit out of control. The patient started coding and we had to get her stable real quick! It felt weird to actually be " the nurse" and not just someone who is watching in the situation! It was so fascinating watching all of the different signs and symptoms of someone who is probably going to die,and fast. I had to be on my toes and act fast. I wont go into the details of everything that happened after that because its probably all boring medical jargon but by the time i left she was doing o.k.

My instructor bragged about me at the end of the day it was weird... i almost wanted to cry because i feel like im such the underdog considering almost everyone in the class already has some sort of background in health care. She also pulled me aside and told me she thinks im going to make a great nurse. I needed that.

I finally felt like it was all really happening today, as much as i want everyone to be healthy and save them.. its things like this that inspire me to learn and grow and become the nurse that i want to be.

new post.

i know i haven't written on here for a long time, but my life has basically gone to shit since i started nursing school. Things have been o.k lately. Not great. Nursing school is like nothing Ive ever experienced before. Its a roller coaster of emotions. Sometimes its great and im so excited to be learning all of these interesting things, then the next second i could be hysterically crying.

Clinical has been an interesting journey as well. I had a patient last week who changed my life. Shes an 89 yr old female who's chart said "combative", well turned out that was the least of my problems. I went in to wake her up in the morning and assess her and it immediately started.

" GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!"
" WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU GUYS DO AROUND HERE, NOTHING!!"
" YOUR FAT
" I CANT EVEN STAND LOOKING AT YOU YOUR SO DAMN HOMELY!!!"
" I WISH I COULD SMEAR SHIT ALL OVER YOUR FACE"
screaming, punching , kicking, pinching, throwing things... you name it, she did it.
Frail, mean, nasty old lady.

I was determined though, i was not even about to give up. Although she thought she could do everything herself?, she needed help. Dementia was her main diagnosis and a lot of them think they live their lives totally independent when the truth is they are completely dependent. Therefor she didn't think she needed help nor wanted it. It took me and one other girl to get her ready and up in her w/c 45 minutes later. So finally we got her off to breakfast but i knew i had to go back in and ask her questions and assess her. Well, that didn't go over so well either! More fighting and name calling... but towards the end she started becoming a little vulnerable. Turns out she has to eat all of her meals in her room because shes no longer allowed in the dining room due to being combative to the other patients. So i would go in and sit with her while she ate, whether she liked it or not. I wanted to find out a little bit more about her life, if she had family, if she was married... etc. Well it turned out her husband had died many years ago, she had no children, no grand children and no one visits her. She sits in her room , all day, by herself, doesn't watch tv, and doesn't have any hobbies.

Turned out the more time i spent with her, the more she would enjoy my company and be a little more accepting of me. Well i had her for a couple long days and by the end, i loved her. In such a short period of time she taught me so many different things about how i want to live my life. She truly truly is just so lonely and sad that she takes it out by being mean to everyone around her. The more time is spent with her, the happier she was. She started telling me how she enjoys my company, and how she has spent so many meals alone that she likes me to come sit with her. I dont have her as my patient anymore, but i still go visit her. Today i stayed an extra hour at clinic just to go sit and talk with her. She claimed she remembered me, but i dont think she did :) but she sure was happy to have me in there spending time with her. Sometimes i wish i could just write in her care plan to have someone go visit with her for an hour every day i could almost guarantee that it would make the rest of her life just a little bit better. I love her, and i hope to spend as much time with her as i can before im through with my work there because if theres one thing i want to walk away with, its knowing that i made a difference in someones life while i was there.

As lonely, and sad, and happy, and miserable, and hysterical nursing has left me...
ultimately it has changed me , and for the better. and i plan on being the best i can be when this is all said and done.oh and having a life again :)

each new day.

Turns out i did really good on my speech, im way excited. If you know me, you know how much i LOATHE public speaking. My voice starts shaking, i cant pronounce words correctly, my cards are shaking in my hands... its just a hot mess. For some weird reason i just felt totally fine. I rolled through it like i had done it a million times! This weekend was ok. Although tonight is technically my Sat night.. but it sort of sucks because everyone has to work tomorrow so i don't end up doing anything. I have been better... not crying every ten minutes on the dot... but i do still feel lonely. Tonight especially.. i moved into a new room in my parents house thats way bigger so i have more space.. but its also a little scary for me. I guess all i want in life right now is some normalcy.. if that's a word! Im tired of moving and feeling scared and uncomfortable. A little part of me wishes that i still lived on Palm st in SLO because although it was crowded and loud and at times terrible, at least it was still all familiar to me. Its so weird how i lived in this house for years and years, yet tonight i feel like its my first night all over again. I like change, but not change like this.

Each new day brings new beginnings, and things are getting a little bit better.

Last night my moms dog ran away. Her baby. We were up all night looking for her til 4 in the morning. I seriously dont even think that my mom slept. Then early this morning she went around posting signs everywhere. Today we took a walk and i drove up and down the street, up all of the driveways and nothing. Still nothing. It just doesnt seem real. My mom has been crying on and off all day i feel so bad for her. I feel like ive been such a wreck and shes been so good to me, and now i dont know how to support her. They are also remodeling the whole front of the house and its a crazy mess in there. I KNOW that stresses her out. I just feel really, really bad and i wish i could make her feel better.


Thats all for now.

pretty shitty

i feel lost and scared and lonely. How can you care for someone whos in end stage cancer when you feel like your whole world is closing in around you. I held back tears multiple times today at clinical telling myself over and over again - you can do this, you can do this. Jin Ho told me today hes not happy with me. So once again im back in my parents house permanently until i graduate and make some money. I just feel so hurt and angry. I feel betrayed and stupid. As much as i can tell myself over and over again that time heals all wounds, i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. i just am in such a sensitive state right now with the stress of nursing school, and with both things collaborating i sort of feel like dying. Today this thought actually crossed my mind- sometimes i wish i could die.. but everyone around me would be super sad... so what if instead of dying i just want someone to take over my life, that way i wouldn't be gone physically, it will just be like i changed. sad right? I just was feeling so comfortable and happy with life and feeling focused and accomplished and now its just all over. On my drive home today i couldnt figure out how i was going to give my speech tomorrow in front of clinic, on top of everything else. Times like these make me never want to get out of bed so im really going to need to pull it together. Tomorrow is probably going to be one of the longest slowest days of my life.

Living with my parents doesnt help at all either. I pulled up to the house today and just sat outside for a good half hour trying to get up the courage to come inside, knowing that my parents were going to see my red glassy eyes and ask me twenty questions. I finally did and decided to just come into my "room" were i cried for a good 2 or 3 hours and finally fell asleep. Now im awake and i cant even explain how i feel. Sitting in this room where theres no substance of anything remotely normal. Quiet, no dogs( which i cant EVEN begin to talk about because i cry just thinking about my babies)small, and feeling trapped like i cant walk outside of my room because everyone will stare at me.

Its a nightmare and i wish i could just fast forward and not feel like this anymore. I should be thankful for the things that i DO have. Its just hard at the moment.