Friday, June 19, 2009

pretty shitty

i feel lost and scared and lonely. How can you care for someone whos in end stage cancer when you feel like your whole world is closing in around you. I held back tears multiple times today at clinical telling myself over and over again - you can do this, you can do this. Jin Ho told me today hes not happy with me. So once again im back in my parents house permanently until i graduate and make some money. I just feel so hurt and angry. I feel betrayed and stupid. As much as i can tell myself over and over again that time heals all wounds, i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. i just am in such a sensitive state right now with the stress of nursing school, and with both things collaborating i sort of feel like dying. Today this thought actually crossed my mind- sometimes i wish i could die.. but everyone around me would be super sad... so what if instead of dying i just want someone to take over my life, that way i wouldn't be gone physically, it will just be like i changed. sad right? I just was feeling so comfortable and happy with life and feeling focused and accomplished and now its just all over. On my drive home today i couldnt figure out how i was going to give my speech tomorrow in front of clinic, on top of everything else. Times like these make me never want to get out of bed so im really going to need to pull it together. Tomorrow is probably going to be one of the longest slowest days of my life.

Living with my parents doesnt help at all either. I pulled up to the house today and just sat outside for a good half hour trying to get up the courage to come inside, knowing that my parents were going to see my red glassy eyes and ask me twenty questions. I finally did and decided to just come into my "room" were i cried for a good 2 or 3 hours and finally fell asleep. Now im awake and i cant even explain how i feel. Sitting in this room where theres no substance of anything remotely normal. Quiet, no dogs( which i cant EVEN begin to talk about because i cry just thinking about my babies)small, and feeling trapped like i cant walk outside of my room because everyone will stare at me.

Its a nightmare and i wish i could just fast forward and not feel like this anymore. I should be thankful for the things that i DO have. Its just hard at the moment.

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