Sunday, June 21, 2009

each new day.

Turns out i did really good on my speech, im way excited. If you know me, you know how much i LOATHE public speaking. My voice starts shaking, i cant pronounce words correctly, my cards are shaking in my hands... its just a hot mess. For some weird reason i just felt totally fine. I rolled through it like i had done it a million times! This weekend was ok. Although tonight is technically my Sat night.. but it sort of sucks because everyone has to work tomorrow so i don't end up doing anything. I have been better... not crying every ten minutes on the dot... but i do still feel lonely. Tonight especially.. i moved into a new room in my parents house thats way bigger so i have more space.. but its also a little scary for me. I guess all i want in life right now is some normalcy.. if that's a word! Im tired of moving and feeling scared and uncomfortable. A little part of me wishes that i still lived on Palm st in SLO because although it was crowded and loud and at times terrible, at least it was still all familiar to me. Its so weird how i lived in this house for years and years, yet tonight i feel like its my first night all over again. I like change, but not change like this.

Each new day brings new beginnings, and things are getting a little bit better.

Last night my moms dog ran away. Her baby. We were up all night looking for her til 4 in the morning. I seriously dont even think that my mom slept. Then early this morning she went around posting signs everywhere. Today we took a walk and i drove up and down the street, up all of the driveways and nothing. Still nothing. It just doesnt seem real. My mom has been crying on and off all day i feel so bad for her. I feel like ive been such a wreck and shes been so good to me, and now i dont know how to support her. They are also remodeling the whole front of the house and its a crazy mess in there. I KNOW that stresses her out. I just feel really, really bad and i wish i could make her feel better.

Thats all for now.

Friday, June 19, 2009

pretty shitty

i feel lost and scared and lonely. How can you care for someone whos in end stage cancer when you feel like your whole world is closing in around you. I held back tears multiple times today at clinical telling myself over and over again - you can do this, you can do this. Jin Ho told me today hes not happy with me. So once again im back in my parents house permanently until i graduate and make some money. I just feel so hurt and angry. I feel betrayed and stupid. As much as i can tell myself over and over again that time heals all wounds, i cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. i just am in such a sensitive state right now with the stress of nursing school, and with both things collaborating i sort of feel like dying. Today this thought actually crossed my mind- sometimes i wish i could die.. but everyone around me would be super sad... so what if instead of dying i just want someone to take over my life, that way i wouldn't be gone physically, it will just be like i changed. sad right? I just was feeling so comfortable and happy with life and feeling focused and accomplished and now its just all over. On my drive home today i couldnt figure out how i was going to give my speech tomorrow in front of clinic, on top of everything else. Times like these make me never want to get out of bed so im really going to need to pull it together. Tomorrow is probably going to be one of the longest slowest days of my life.

Living with my parents doesnt help at all either. I pulled up to the house today and just sat outside for a good half hour trying to get up the courage to come inside, knowing that my parents were going to see my red glassy eyes and ask me twenty questions. I finally did and decided to just come into my "room" were i cried for a good 2 or 3 hours and finally fell asleep. Now im awake and i cant even explain how i feel. Sitting in this room where theres no substance of anything remotely normal. Quiet, no dogs( which i cant EVEN begin to talk about because i cry just thinking about my babies)small, and feeling trapped like i cant walk outside of my room because everyone will stare at me.

Its a nightmare and i wish i could just fast forward and not feel like this anymore. I should be thankful for the things that i DO have. Its just hard at the moment.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.

this means a lot to me.
happy wife, happy life.

You do the math.

Friday, June 12, 2009

today was my first day of clinical. I was soooo scared walking in. My first initial reaction was to run the hell out of that place. haha. I mean its just things you don't normally see or experience. I wont go over all of the different things that happened, but when i walked out from my first day i felt excited and ambitious. So thats good. Tomorrow we shall see what happends!!

On a another note, i went to go pick up the dogs from happy tails and on the way home i just wanted some silence when all of the sudden i hear something thrashing around in the backseat. So i turn out really quick to see what was going on and DAISY HAD ROLLED HER UP IN THE WINDOW basically choking herself!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im like still in complete shock over it. So i immediatly rolled the window down and shes ok... but seriously???????????? what would i have done if i had music on and didnt hear her????? CHILD LOCK will be on from now on when i have them back there!!!!!! ugh . i just cant even believe it.


becoming a nurse is really hard for me because yes im mature bla bla bla,
but there are just some things that are really, really hard not to laugh at. Ill let your imagination run.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

feeling like i want to jump off a cliff

i dont normally talk about anything when im feeling emotional and upset, but this time im going to because i feel like i have no one to talk to right now and i just want to let it all out. Since Ive started nursing school ive been feeling all sorts of different emotions. At times im so happy and i still cant believe that i am actually going to be a nurse and accomplish a HUGE goal .. and then at times ive never ever felt so alone and miserable. Its such a crazy rollercoaster.

Sometimes ive never felt so embarassed and mortified, and sometimes just want to have a complete mental breakdown! and at times i feel soo good knowing im going to be able to help people and make their lives better. But Right now i just feel an overwhelming sick feeling in my whole body. Its like they are all enmeshed into one emotion. Its like everything starts spiraling down and is triggered by another thing. Its weird because while ive been in school for this short period so far, a basic thing you learn to critically think about is how everything stems from something else. ( in the physical body) and trying to figure out where the core problem is, and right now i feel like its happening in my life!

Ive been feeling like i dont have any support in my life.. and that may just be me being ultra sensitive but the best support and encouragement ive had so far is all the way in Seattle. I also have been feeling like my friends have been crapping on me. Maybe its because they think im so busy that they cant invite me to do anything? or call me? I dont know.

All i know is that the way that ive been feeling is something that ive never expierenced before. I know that its all a growing and learning expierence and that i will make it to the end, i just need to figure out how to get there. Im so exhausted. Beyond exhausted. My back hurts all day long maybe from sitting in lecture for eight hours or from just being over stressed. i dont know. I also have been having major chest pains that start from my upper back and shoot all the way forward in through my chest. i just love that!

I know that they dont make it easy, or else everyone would do it. And i know that they try and weed out the people that arent commited.... but sometimes i think its too much. I think its too much when you go to school for 9 hours and have a quiz that day and then have to come home and study for five more hours for the quiz the next morning. I think its too much when you have to leave school at 5 to go prep for patients at your clinical site and then come home study, and get up at 4 the next morning to be at clinical by 5 am.

Do i think its not possible? no.

will i give up ? no.

will i succeed ? yes.

I will be a nurse, and i will be good at it and someday im going to be able to look back on this whole expierence and be so thankful that i stuck with it cause i know its going to pay off.

Lately ive just been feeling the need for life/school balance. Please. someone teach me how to find that.