Wednesday, June 3, 2009

feeling like i want to jump off a cliff

i dont normally talk about anything when im feeling emotional and upset, but this time im going to because i feel like i have no one to talk to right now and i just want to let it all out. Since Ive started nursing school ive been feeling all sorts of different emotions. At times im so happy and i still cant believe that i am actually going to be a nurse and accomplish a HUGE goal .. and then at times ive never ever felt so alone and miserable. Its such a crazy rollercoaster.

Sometimes ive never felt so embarassed and mortified, and sometimes just want to have a complete mental breakdown! and at times i feel soo good knowing im going to be able to help people and make their lives better. But Right now i just feel an overwhelming sick feeling in my whole body. Its like they are all enmeshed into one emotion. Its like everything starts spiraling down and is triggered by another thing. Its weird because while ive been in school for this short period so far, a basic thing you learn to critically think about is how everything stems from something else. ( in the physical body) and trying to figure out where the core problem is, and right now i feel like its happening in my life!

Ive been feeling like i dont have any support in my life.. and that may just be me being ultra sensitive but the best support and encouragement ive had so far is all the way in Seattle. I also have been feeling like my friends have been crapping on me. Maybe its because they think im so busy that they cant invite me to do anything? or call me? I dont know.

All i know is that the way that ive been feeling is something that ive never expierenced before. I know that its all a growing and learning expierence and that i will make it to the end, i just need to figure out how to get there. Im so exhausted. Beyond exhausted. My back hurts all day long maybe from sitting in lecture for eight hours or from just being over stressed. i dont know. I also have been having major chest pains that start from my upper back and shoot all the way forward in through my chest. i just love that!

I know that they dont make it easy, or else everyone would do it. And i know that they try and weed out the people that arent commited.... but sometimes i think its too much. I think its too much when you go to school for 9 hours and have a quiz that day and then have to come home and study for five more hours for the quiz the next morning. I think its too much when you have to leave school at 5 to go prep for patients at your clinical site and then come home study, and get up at 4 the next morning to be at clinical by 5 am.

Do i think its not possible? no.

will i give up ? no.

will i succeed ? yes.

I will be a nurse, and i will be good at it and someday im going to be able to look back on this whole expierence and be so thankful that i stuck with it cause i know its going to pay off.

Lately ive just been feeling the need for life/school balance. Please. someone teach me how to find that.


taryn said...

I cannot even imagine how hard nursing school is, but I am not worried about you because I KNOW you can and will do it! I'm just sad that you feel no support. You know that I think about you every day and I love you and am ALWAYS here for you! I obviously can't speak for your friends but I am glad that you spoke up about how you are feeling and you can call me anytime! I am soo proud of you!!!!

Erin said...

Danielle, I felt like I should comment on this. I think we react the same when it comes to stress and anxiety. I think that you're body reacts to stress with a lot of physical symptoms... as does mine. Since I had Faye I have been feeling awful. Body aches, headaches, chest pain, pain in my limbs which made me think that I was having a heart attack... the list goes on. I know you are so so busy but I've read this book and I'm reading it again. It's called 8 Weeks to Vibrant Health. It's sooo mind opening. It just talks about hormonal imbalances and why our bodies react the way they do to stress and anxiety and what we can do to change it. Let me tell you what I've been doing for the past week or so and it's really really making me feel a lot better. I'm trying to get more sleep. That's a given! Of course that would make anyone feel better... I know it's hard with school and homework though. And you should start taking the vitamins I'm taking because I'm pretty sure they are working wonders. Every day I take, a really good multivitamin, a B-complex vitamin, magnesium, vitamin D, garlic, fish oil, and flax seed oil. I've learned from that book that this is the best combo for me and has really helped my stress levels go way down. So UP your vitamin intake and see how you feel! I'm soo sorry that you are stressed and feel left out. I've been there before and it's the worst combo. I hope you feel better soon! And you're gonna be such an amazing nurse. You are such a great person to be around.

Krista said...

I call you! I miss you! I know you are busy and I wish we could hang out like before you were in school! Call me whenever you want a break or want to go to dinner or something. I miss you!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so excited for you in this journey and I wish you the bestest! August misses you, and your smell! Haha.