short

becoming a nurse is really hard for me because yes im mature bla bla bla,
but there are just some things that are really, really hard not to laugh at. Ill let your imagination run.

feeling like i want to jump off a cliff

i dont normally talk about anything when im feeling emotional and upset, but this time im going to because i feel like i have no one to talk to right now and i just want to let it all out. Since Ive started nursing school ive been feeling all sorts of different emotions. At times im so happy and i still cant believe that i am actually going to be a nurse and accomplish a HUGE goal .. and then at times ive never ever felt so alone and miserable. Its such a crazy rollercoaster.

Sometimes ive never felt so embarassed and mortified, and sometimes just want to have a complete mental breakdown! and at times i feel soo good knowing im going to be able to help people and make their lives better. But Right now i just feel an overwhelming sick feeling in my whole body. Its like they are all enmeshed into one emotion. Its like everything starts spiraling down and is triggered by another thing. Its weird because while ive been in school for this short period so far, a basic thing you learn to critically think about is how everything stems from something else. ( in the physical body) and trying to figure out where the core problem is, and right now i feel like its happening in my life!

Ive been feeling like i dont have any support in my life.. and that may just be me being ultra sensitive but the best support and encouragement ive had so far is all the way in Seattle. I also have been feeling like my friends have been crapping on me. Maybe its because they think im so busy that they cant invite me to do anything? or call me? I dont know.

All i know is that the way that ive been feeling is something that ive never expierenced before. I know that its all a growing and learning expierence and that i will make it to the end, i just need to figure out how to get there. Im so exhausted. Beyond exhausted. My back hurts all day long maybe from sitting in lecture for eight hours or from just being over stressed. i dont know. I also have been having major chest pains that start from my upper back and shoot all the way forward in through my chest. i just love that!

I know that they dont make it easy, or else everyone would do it. And i know that they try and weed out the people that arent commited.... but sometimes i think its too much. I think its too much when you go to school for 9 hours and have a quiz that day and then have to come home and study for five more hours for the quiz the next morning. I think its too much when you have to leave school at 5 to go prep for patients at your clinical site and then come home study, and get up at 4 the next morning to be at clinical by 5 am.

Do i think its not possible? no.

will i give up ? no.

will i succeed ? yes.

I will be a nurse, and i will be good at it and someday im going to be able to look back on this whole expierence and be so thankful that i stuck with it cause i know its going to pay off.

Lately ive just been feeling the need for life/school balance. Please. someone teach me how to find that.

i started

well this is my first week of nursing school and i love it. Dont get me wrong, im exhausted and incredibly stressed out. The days are eight hour long days five days a week, not including some clinical that you have to be there at 6 in the morning just jam packed full of information. They basically just slam you into everything on the first day and by the time the day was over i started understanding what all of the "scare" was about. I also realized that i am basically the underdog in the class considering almost everyone in there except for a few of us are already cna's or medical assistants.. which is not a nurse, or liscened, but it does give them an upperhand in some areas because most of them have already worked somewhere in healthcare. BUT i am not by any means going to let that bother me!!! We have to demonstrate every single thing we learn infront of an instructor individually and i was struggeling a little bit today because its terribly nerve racking so i stayed afterwards to get a little more help one on one, i find that building a relationship with your instructor and getting more help is definitely something i need to be successful. School does NOT come easy for me, and never has. I struggeled in middle school and in highschool as well, but i found that when i started college the more i applied myself and worked HARD, i was succeeding. SO I NOW KNOW , that if i put myself to the test and study hard, apply myself and give it everything ive got things start turning up.

Anyways, just thought i would try and update every now and then about how its all going. So far so good. I have my first day of clinical tomorrow! yikes... but fun. im definitely into the more hands on part of the whole thing!

hmm

Im in the last week of school right now and im flipping out. I have developed chest pains, a blinking issue, and stomach problems because of it! haha. Its true. I start nursing school in a matter of weeks... ugh. I should be so so excited but i think because of all of the reading they have assigned BEFORE school even starts .. its hard. I got my first two pairs of scrubs which was weird and exciting! Something funny for all of you that watch Greys Anatomy.. While i was trying on fifty pairs of scrubs trying to figure out which ones were the most comfertable i came across a lab jacket that was super cute and stylish! Well i was required to have one so i checked out the brand and low and behold it was made by Katherine Heigle! apparently the actress that plays the role of a doctor makes a line of scrubs! i thought that was funny. Anyways i got one that looks just like the one she wears on the show :) i really liked it!

Its all becoming very real and im freaked out!! Other than that im just trying to live it up before i have to crack down and lifes been great :)

oh and ps. i joined twitter! add me http://twitter.com/daniellecv

things i miss

So, lately you could say i haven't been feeling "quite myself" ... meaning FAT!! so instead of feeling sorry for myself every single time i glance in a mirror, im going to do all of the things i used to love doing! A couple summers ago i started exploring things outside of my bubble to lose weight such as, hiking bishops at least twice a week, running stairs, ,no soda, discovered my favorite skinny beverage- diet peach snapple, and basically fell in love with lean cuisines and all of those fabulous diet frozen meals. I will also admit that i love tanning ( both outside and in the beds shhhhhh) cause any smart girl knows it hides ugly parts of the body!

Since i start nursing shcool in a month and my life is going to be forever changed, i decided now is the time. I also was incredibly inspired by this beautiful weather.. i cant help but want to be outside the whole time!!

the laws of attraction and love

Ive been thinking about this a lot lately. The law of attraction simply says that you attract into your life whatever you think about. Your dominant thoughts will find a way to manifest. Basically peoples thoughts both conscious and unconscious dictate the reality of our lives whether or not your aware of it. I guess it can work for you and against you in a sense. Does it mean that if you find relationships to be one of the hardest things in life then you attract relationships that are a lot of work ? Am i suppose to just keep thought of the things i want in a relationship and not concentrate on the whole waiting around and not having it NOW part? Should i be looking for someone who is like me and interested in the same things im interested in , or should i be looking for the opposite? I find it all very interesting how the universe works... Or is it just the thought process in which you finally realize what you want and change your ways.

I have also been thinking about the different things that i personally am attracted to. If you know me at all, i dont really have a type :) i dont migrate towards any certain type of guy like most girls do. So usually after a relationship ends i sit and ponder all of the reasons why i was drawn to this person in the first place. There is the simple band guy, then the humurous guy, then the very well off and money driven guy.... all things i love of coarse but just in different forms but lately ive noticed they all missed one key ingrediant.

Passion.

I cant think of anything more attractive then a man being passionate about something. anything. I mean of coarse theres certain situations i could think of ... like porn... no thanks! But mostly everything. I dont care if its comic books, or horror movies... or music or sports. Its the compelling, enthusiasm or desire for something that just really makes me black out.

oh and i also love teeth. mmmm i can think of a few right now that make me light headed.

happy

For the last six or seven months i started to feel like i couldn't find happiness and that i probably never would again. I couldn't figure out where i was going wrong and why when i had everything i thought i wanted (at the time) wasn't enough. I felt lost and like i was stuck in a place that i didn't know how to get out of.

I finally did and i cant describe how much happier i am. I made some big changes in my life that at first i wasn't sure were right or not but was hopeful that in the end they would benefit me and im so glad that i did because i am the happiest now that i have been in a long, long time. I feel like i re-found myself all over again. I missed how much i love meeting new people and surrounding myself with the ones i love. I missed learning new things and growing with each new expierence. I missed laughing and appreciating the little things. I hated moving back to AG. I felt trapped like i had nothing to do and nowhere to go. I had no privacy living with my parents and i felt like they were breathing down my neck every second of the day. It's funny how a situation can change so much by just changing your attitude. I love it now. I love every single thing about it. I love the quietness at night time, i love the fresh air in the mornings and waking up to see my mom every single day ( not forever but for now :) ) i love walking into a place and re-hashing memories with my best friends from highschool. I could definietly see myself staying here for the rest of my life and just MAYBE raising a family here.

I promised myself that i would have as much fun as i can between now and when i start nursing school in a month and i have been having a blast! I love my friends and how funny and loving they are. I really am LUCKY to have them all in my life. I cant wait to see what this next year is going to bring me i feel free and and excited and passionate. i feel fabulous